I wish I could sit here and say that since we moved back to California everything has been perfect and amazing, but I can’t. I cannot tell you how many days I cried and wished and prayed I could leave Oklahoma and move back home to California..Well, now I am here and everything seems to be worse! It has not been an easy journey so far. Sometimes I even wonder if we did the right thing by moving back here. Sure, I have my family and Disneyland and the beach, but we left behind a house, amazing friends and good doctors and health insurance and I feel like life has just been hard and crappy since we got here! I try to remember that our situation is just temporary, but its so hard. I have had SUCH a bad attitude and I really think God is working on that….(not fun!!!)

So, today I had to take Malachi to the doctor…He has been sick with a cold which is causing him to have trouble breathing. Of course we don’t have insurance right now, won’t for like three more months, so I take him to some LA County Clinic. Worst experience ever! I was there from a little after 11 until 3:30. I had a sucky attitude from the moment I pulled up to the place. It was on the same property as a state prison which made it feel even more ghetto and scary and I was just totally embarrassed that I had to take my baby there. So, the whole day was just a mess. Everyone was rude, not helpful at all and most of them barely spoke english. Thank God my mom came to be with me and help with Malachi while I stood in lines and filled out paper work! I have to be honest, I know I was not very nice either….I know I had an attitude. I walked around the place acting like I didn’t deserve to be there and I shouldn’t have to take my child to a place like that. I totally felt myself thinking I am better than this and these people. I was already on the verge of tears when I finally got to see the doctor and he was the rudest man ever! I kept thinking to myself, why the crap are you in pediatrics? Anyway, I felt that big lump in my throat and the tears started to come, kept slowly coming until I got out to the parking lot and I lost it. I cried pretty much all the way to my mom’s and I was still so pissed that I had to go there. I really thought that was the worst place I had ever been….

So, what am I feeling like now? Like I’m the freakin crappiest person ever! I really feel like God had me there for a reason, He really showed me something. I just took a look at what people have to go through their WHOLE lives!  I got to see first hand what lower income people have to go through….all the lines, crappy doctors and nurses and crappy dirty offices. So I’m left thinking why the heck do I think I don’t deserve that? What makes me so much better than any other parent in there? I am NO better than any other mom in there and I can’t believe that I even felt that way for one second! I really need an attitude makeover. I need to be more than grateful for what God has given to me and my family. I need to quit thinking that I am too good for certain things and let go of pride. I need to be thankful that I have had AMAZING doctors and healthcare for Malachi and that this is only for a season. Let me just tell you that I HATE learning what God wants to teach me! He doesn’t just let you read it out of a text book…dang it! But I know I will always come out being a better person because of it…So I’m praying for major patience and strength during this very trying time. You can join me

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”         James 1 (The Message)